Also, um… did you have a point to make? I gather you like the Cheetah Girls… but why? Just curious.

You know who else promotes friendship, loyalty, and believing in your dreams? Parents, sisters, brothers, friends, and people kids actually know and interact with on a daily basis. If all the role models for children are celebrities, we are missing the whole point as a society.

Maybe that’s the problem.

I could ask the obvious questions, here: how old is your boyfriend, how long have you been together, etc? However, none of that really matters, except to indicate his intentions, which I can’t really know unless I know him.

The questions you should really ask yourself are: are you comfortable with the situation? Are you comfortable knowing that you will have to discuss birth control with him? Are you ready to deal with the possibility that you might get pregnant? Are you willing to tell him to stop if it gets painful or you change your mind? Do you trust him?

You need to trust your intuition on this one. I know that the responsible adult in me is supposed to tell you to wait until you’re older, but that is stupid, vague advice. Of course you should wait until you are comfortable, and with somebody you trust fully, but I don’t think age has very much to do with it. The hard part for you is separating what you want from what you know. For instance, you want to have sex. You want to please yourself and your boyfriend, and sex is a new, exciting way to do that. However, this is your first time – for a lot of girls, the first time takes patience. It should not be more painful than it is pleasurable, but a lot of guys don’t realize that it can be painful, or they get too wrapped up how good it feels for them. Your experience is just as important as his, and he should know this. If, for any reason, you decide to stop – either you change your mind, or it’s painful, or whatever – you need to trust that he will stop, too. You should talk to him about this. If you can’t discuss sex with your boyfriend, you really shouldn’t have sex with him.

I lost my virginity at 16, with my 15 year old boyfriend. Before I was willing to have sex with him, we talked about what birth control we would use (condoms), what we would do if either of us changed our minds, what we would do if I got pregnant, and that we would start off slow. This was not a five minute conversation right before sex, either – we talked about these things for weeks beforehand, to make sure that we understood each other. It was a great experience for both of us, and a very pleasant memory, even though I’m no longer dating him.

That is how sex should be – it should be pleasurable for BOTH of you. If it isn’t, you should be able to tell him, “that hurts, slow down a bit” or “I need to stop.” If he isn’t willing to use protection, or uses the excuse that “I don’t think I’ll be able to stop once I’ve started” – don’t have sex with him. If you are at all concerned that he will not listen to you or stop, you should not have sex with him. If he does refuse to stop, that is rape, and that will leave a permanent scar on your ability to be intimate with people in the future.

I know a girl who is currently 26, and bisexual. She cannot have sex with men, and is worried that she will have trouble having sex with women, because she was raped by her boyfriend many years ago. She blames herself, even though it isn’t her fault, and has been in bad relationships ever since. Even when she is in a good relationship, she can’t bring herself to be intimate with her partner, because her past experiences were so negative.

I’m not trying to scare you, I’m just trying to make sure you understand that there is a reason your parents want you to say no. A lifetime of regret, pain, and trauma is not worth one pleasurable experience. That being said, if you trust him, discuss this with him, and are careful and patient, this could be a positive experience for both of you.

If you find yourself constantly doubting this, then please don’t do it. Trust yourself. If he persists, and doesn’t listen to you, then I think you should tell him to fuck off. You don’t need to be pressured into this, even if it seems easier to say yes than to say no and deal with him on a daily basis. Think of it this way, if you have sex with him and it’s a miserable experience, then it will be much worse to have to see him every day than if you say no. You have friends and adults who care about you and will back you up if you decide not to sleep with him. Remember that you are doing this for you, not just for him, and you get as much say in what happens as he does.

And, even though you know what they will say, you should talk to your parents about it. They care about you, and want the best for you. They are also ultimately responsible for your well-being. They should know what you want, and you should be able to explain it to them. It’ll be harder to tell them you are pregnant or that you were raped than it will be to tell them you are considering having sex because you want to, won’t it? Just be sure you are talking about what you want, not what your boyfriend wants. They will automatically assume that you are being talked into this, and it’s important that they understand that it is YOU who wants to have sex, and you should be able to explain why. Frankly, if your only reason is because your boyfriend wants you to, that’s really not a good reason.

If you have any other questions, don’t hesitate to ask – before or after the fact. I’m not sure how much help I can be, but I’d rather you had somebody to talk to than you have to deal with this alone. Planned Parenthood is a great resource, as well: http://www.plannedparenthood.org Find the one nearest you and call or go in – or just browse the website. You’ll find a lot of information about preventing and dealing with pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases (something else you should consider), and the health of your body. These pages deal specifically with teens: http://www.plannedparenthood.org/sexual-health/teens-4315.htm and http://www.teenwire.com/

There is no reason for you to go through this alone, and I hope you’re able to come to a decision that makes you happy. Again, don’t hesitate to leave me a message here, or email me at owner [at] starwidget [dot] net.